Giving and Receiving Feedback is an Art

The first quarter of the new financial year is usually feedback time and it’s likely that your annual performance review or feedback is coming up soon. In which case, you are either the receiver or the giver of feedback.

Feedback in its core form is communication, with a focus on the ‘co’ – together. Feedback is not a one-way street where the manager tells the employee what they didn’t do. It can and must be so much more to be deemed feedback and reach the desired outcome – for both parties.

Recently, I asked for feedback. On a topic that I felt very strongly about. From a person I didn’t know.

A few interesting things happened and I am pretty sure they sound familiar to you -either as the giver or receiver of feedback.

I went into the conversation truly believing I had done a good job, so I anticipated and wanted positive feedback. I felt trepidation because the topic was very important for me and I didn’t want it to be criticised. Does this roller coaster of feelings and emotions sound familiar to you, the receiver?

The giver had volunteered to give feedback, so it was not the mandatory performance review at an organisation. The feedback would not impact an existing relationship. And yet, I, as the receiver, could sense a slight hesitation and an intake of breath from the giver after reading my work. Something along the lines of “I can see that Sonja is really proud of what she has done and I can see the work that’s gone into it. Unfortunately, it is not connecting with me. I volunteered to give Sonja feedback, what now?” Does this roller coaster resonate with you, the giver?

So what is happening here? What can we change to improve the outcome?

As receivers, we often have an expectation for a desired outcome – praise and support. And we are fearful of being criticised and devalued as a person. Not a good starting point. We want to learn to recognise that we are separate from our work. That any feedback is on the work, not us as a person. That feedback could actually make our work better if we were open to different perspectives. Using the time of the feedback to clarify expectations around a task, especially if we as receivers have an understanding and belief that the expectation was met. How was it not in the eyes of the giver? Understanding that feedback is given at a particular point in time about a certain period. It’s not permanent. We may experience the feedback differntly on a different day.It is from the perspective of the giver, not everyone. Can we learn to recognise that our feedback partner is uncomfortable in delivering the feedback? That might be novel, but think about it. Who really wants to criticise and deliver bad news? In my case, we had no previous relationship, so there was little or nothing to lose. But between you and your manager, there is an existing relationship. You may have had coffees together, shared family and holiday stories, be on a friendly footing. That can make giving and receiving feedback harder – for both. So consider maybe giving your manager some slack here and notice that they too are out of their comfort zone. Realising as well that your manager in this instance is not your buddy, but has a role to play in the organisation, a target to achieve and will also be in your shoes during their performance review. They are in the same situation as you are.

As the giver, we have to tread that fine balance of recognising the efforts of our workers, supporting the good work, praising the above standard work and highlighting areas of improvement. In short, constructive feedback. Starting by asking our worker whether they are in a good state of mind to receive feedback. Knowing that we all have a negativity bias, making sure that our workers hear and perhaps even repeat any positive feedback. And just like the receiver needs to learn to recognise the difference between them and their work, we need to focus on the result of the work, not the person. Making the feedback about the task or where necessary about the behaviour, not the person. Asking questions, lots of questions. Especially where a target was not met. What resources were perhaps lacking? Were the tasks playing more to the worker’s weaknesses instead of strengths? Like asking a numbers person to produce creative content or vice versa. Can we be supportive and non judgemental when reflecting on targets not met? Create a joint action plan?

It worked out for us in the end. I realised I could let go of the emotional attachment to my work for the benefit of the higher intention I had in mind. My feedback giver acknowledged the effort and work and gave specific feedback on where the work was not connecting with the higher intention - from their perspective, no generalisation, no devaluing me as a person. We explored some alternatives, I acknowledged and reflected on them and asked how these alternative would connect with the giver more than the original. We both recognised that the feedback was tentative, reflecting one person's view at that point in time. It was a great experience.

Giving and receiving feedback can be stressful. Here are some suggestions around the three crucial skill sets of feedback:

Listening Skills for the Giver and the Receiver

Receiving Feedback Skills

Giving Feedback Skills