Your emotions and feelings are yours, they are true for you
This is not about crying ‘wolf’.
The recent article by Emi Nietfeld on harassment and bullying in the workplace triggered a childhood memory - one of getting bullied and harassed at multiple schools growing up. I was lucky that I had the support of my parents, so at least I could off-load. But it didn’t take away from the fact that going to school was scary. Like Emi and so many others, I didn’t speak up - initially. I was afraid of the repercussions, that it would get worse, that I would be singled out even more, and so I tried harder to fit in or be invisible. Needless to say, my best friend ended up being another outsider.
More recently, coaching and mentoring a university post-grad student, they experienced a brief bullying episode in one of their classes. They too, didn’t speak up because they didn’t want to be seen as being ‘precious’, ‘complaining’ and they didn’t want to get the other person into trouble.
Lots of parallels. And certainly at least one common denominator in the reason for not speaking up sooner or more publicly. Fear that we are overly sensitive to comments. But that’s just it, isn’t it? Your emotions and feelings are yours, they are true for you. No one needs to share them, or even understand them. However, I not only expect others to respect them, I have a right that others respect them. And in line with that, respect me as a fellow human being.
So why do we not stand up for ourselves and make ourselves heard - in the moment when it matters and before we get too hurt? As children, when we were uncomfortable or didn’t like something, we screamed our displeasure into the world, stomped with our feet, threw ourselves to the ground. Everyone around us knew we were unhappy. What changed?
We grew up, were told to behave, not throw temper tantrums, be considerate and sensible, and voice our discomfort in a professional and adult manner. That works fine, if the other person has the same standard, but often they don’t. That’s when the problem arises. And more often than not, the other person is one of ‘more’ power - like the school bully or maybe a more senior colleague or manager. And we grew up to respect our elders/seniors and not talk back. Less trouble, yes?
Well, enough of that acquiescence and it starts to impact and erode our self-esteem, our self-worth, our self-confidence. We learn to be invisible and fly under the radar. And because we only have very limited influence over the actions of the ‘other’ person, we need to step up and take responsibility for our actions and thoughts. I am not saying, don’t go to HR to report unacceptable behaviour; by all means, formal processes need to be applied so that formal warnings can be issued in the short term and the systemic problems can be eradicated in the long term. Nor am I saying to stick it out alone. I am talking about your internal resources that you can fire up so that you can throw that temper tantrum and be heard. If you don’t value yourself, if you question your self-worth, the harasser or bully will feed of that. It’s a power game and you want to take your power back. Nobody can empower you if you have given the power away. It’s yours to take back. Re-learn to say no like you meant it as a child when you didn’t like the green veggies. Re-learn to be assertive (not passive-aggressive) and stand up for yourself like you did in kindy when another child wanted to play with your toy.
One other thing that struck me with Emi’s and my student’s case is that they are of a younger generation, one that supposedly grew up with more equality, more of a ‘go and get what you want’ kind of attitude. Both went to university, so they can be considered well educated. And yet our society and educational system is failing them - and many others - somewhere along the line. We build and accumulate knowledge, but our ego’s (self-esteem and self-worth) remain fragile and prone to external attack. Where are the classes that teach us to speak up for ourselves, to be confident, to draw and defend our boundaries, to permanently repel unwanted advances and comments? We need internal resources and tools to acknowledge, embrace and defend our feelings. HR policies and Codes of Conduct can/will/should take care of the bully and harasser once brought to attention. But they can’t take care or responsibility for your feelings. Only you can. And if I can help, let me know.