Are you ready for the “No” Conversation?

For many people, Christmas or a similar important event is just around the corner and this year, the festive season brings its own challenges.

After a year of bushfires, drought, Covid-19 and social distancing – not to mention a sell-out on toilet paper, the current status of the pandemic and related restrictions in Australia allow us to celebrate this time. After all the unprecedented events this year, there is an assumption that we are all happy to gather around the table or BBQ in one big happy family. And for some, that may hold true and I truly and genuinely celebrate this with you - enjoy the festivities and embrace everyone!

And there are those, whose families are overseas, like mine, and we have already had the conversation why a Christmas get-together is not feasible this time around. We have made alternate arrangements with Zoom, Facetime or whatever medium suits our needs., shed the tears, shared the anger and frustration and paid Amazon to deliver a gift.

Then there are those whose family get-togethers are difficult for whatever reasons – often due to relationship challenges. This post is not about how to solve the relationship challenge, but how to say no to the invitation to “come over, and make up, this has been a difficult year for all of us, just put your differences aside.”

It’s not that easy. When the person harbours concerns about their physical well-being, saying no can be somewhat easier as there is a strong driver. It may be more challenging to say no if the discomfort arises from a disagreement that has not been resolved. Whatever it is, there is pressure to attend the invitation to festive activities and especially this year. And so people get pulled in two directions. There might be the desire to see some of the family, but not everyone.

What steps can one take to please everyone? Well, that is the first step. Acknowledge that not everyone can be pleased! And this applies to the host and the guests. As the host, consider why you are inviting family. Is it to showcase the cooking and event management skills? To fulfil the deep-rooted desire to have all the family around, no matter what? Or is it to celebrate, be happy, thankful and in harmony with loved ones at the end of the year? As the guest, why are you considering going? Is it to enjoy and salute someone else’s efforts? To go because you always went and it’s expected, although deep down, it’s all too much and too forced? Or is it to celebrate, be happy, thankful and in harmony with loved ones at the end of the year?

Truth is, you may not want to go to a big gathering and meet the whole family, even if you have done so in the past. As in any communication, there are two parties and what one party says, may not be what the other party hears. How can you improve this? Firstly, be clear on what you want to communicate. That will help you get clarity on your thought process and help structure the reason(s) you put forward. Find a convenient time when you are calm or go for a walk before the conversation happens. Check in with the other party to see whether they have time for this conversation. Consider your side and the side of the other party and what they are trying to achieve, this will enable you to see their perspective. Acknowledge their effort as well. This is not only about you, that’s why it’s called communication. Be genuine, most of us can tell a fib and let’s be honest, the majority of us don’t appreciate a phoney excuse. Consider pointing out that if there are ongoing tensions among the guests, everyone will be impacted. Acknowledge that some people will miss you, just like you will miss some people by not coming. It’s better than the memory years later of “Remember when Uncle Donald looked at Uncle Joe with a frozen face all day long, the two only exchanged snide remarks and no one dared laugh and relax for fear of having to intervene?” Come up with an alternative, it may surprise you how receptive the other party is. Don’t go in expecting anything but be prepared to agree to disagree. And don’t allocate blame. Both parties have most likely good intentions behind their actions – remember the perspective I mentioned above?

Family is important; it is and can normally be the closest connection we have, our comfort zone and a safety net. And you are as important as an individual, a human being. You will still be part of the family, you are just not physically there on this particular occasion, these few hours.

This conversation and the outcome is about self-care, your self-care. Most of us don’t need or want more pressure this year, more discomfort, more tension, more arguments. By caring for yourself, you also care for others. Is that important enough for you to say ‘no’?

If you want to be able to say ‘no’ but can’t, let me know. We can work on this together and ensure that you get the outcome you want'.