Why you do what you do and how to change it if it’s not working for you

You do what you do, because it’s the unique way you run your brain and the way you have learned to run it.

Any external experience is initially perceived through our five senses – sight, sound, touch, smell and taste. At this point, there is no judgement and no meaning associated with the experience and our nervous system maps this simple experience in our brain and neurology. Now that we have an experience, how do we communicate it? We use the higher functions of our brains to use symbols to create language and map the experience out linguistically. As an example, when you clap your hands near a baby, the baby hears the sound (senses) and typically reacts by turning its head in that direction because it’s curious or it turns away, because the sound was uncomfortable; maybe it doesn’t react at all because it is concentrating on something else or it has not yet associated that the clapping was meant to get its attention. At that point, the child has neither word nor meaning associated with the sound. It’s only when the parents start talking to the sound, that eventually, a link is created between the sound and the word ‘noise’ or ‘sound’ as parents will ask ‘what was that noise or sound?’ A level of association is established. Now we know that clappping of hands is sound. Later we learn that clapping is the sound when hands connect with each other. But what does it mean? Is it good? Bad? A warning? Applause? As we grow up, meanings get layered on top and start to get confusing: first we learn to make noise/sound like clapping and get praised, then when we do more of that, we get scolded, told to stop and then get praised again for being quiet. That is when you start to learn to run your brain.

Over the years, we amass a myriad of beliefs, values, memories, etc. in addition to deletions, distortions and generalisations that filter an external event and turn it into the ‘reality’ we perceive internally. That is why when people witness an accident, their stories are different. Or when you go to the movies with friends, you sometimes wonder if you’ve been in the same movie, so different are your experiences. This internal reality then affects our state of mind, which influences our physiology and subsequently our response.

Another example, you hear music, the composer is Mozart. Let’s say, because of your upbringing you had learned to value Mozart as a composer and you formed the belief that his music is beautiful. You then generalise that all his music is beautiful (and delete that others may have a different opinion or that not all his pieces are amazing); ‘Mozart is a fantastic composer’ is what your internal reality tells you. And so, as you hear this music, your state of mind is one of happiness/uplift. As you feel and embody that emotion, your response is a smiley “Oh, that is so wonderful”. And this is where it gets complicated. For the person you said this to, the music is also the external event. Maybe they didn’t grow up with the same value of Mozart, maybe for them it is associated with negative memories and so they generalise that all classical music is unpalatable and it puts them in a bad mood. Instead of being of the same opinion as you (they also deleted that other-ness) their reply is ‘I don’t like it’. And now it gets interesting. That sentence hits your belief system and it seems to de-value your value of Mozart. You don’t recognise the other person’s other upbringing (delete other-ness) and your internal reality goes on a rampage. Your state of mind goes from exuberant to anger, you feel the hot flush and you lash out ‘what do you know?!’ Then you get angry at yourself for being angry because you learned that anger is not good. And now you have learned to fear anger. When anger is really just an emotion, totally valid at times, typically lasts no more than 7 seconds and gets its bad rep because of the meaning we give it.

I have distorted on purpose to make the point. The point being, those values, beliefs, memories, etc. and the generalisations, distortions and deletions you apply, colour your reality - unconsciously and they show up when you show up. As they are learned, they can be unlearned and relearned. That is what I do as a Meta-Coach when I work with you. So if your belief structures don’t work for you anymore or you don’t understand why you do what you do, but have an underlying feeling that there has to be a better way, let me know.